And so the world changes...

Little Miri is ten days old today!

I can't really tell if the time has gone quickly or slowly, it's all been a very surreal blur. I can't really imagine her not being here now. On the other hand, it is so scary that Carl has so little time left before going back to work. He took another two weeks of annual leave after his incredibly generous paternity leave of ten days, (!!!) but even so, I don't know how I am going to cope without him around.

Miranda is developing very quickly indeed, however. Without wishing to jinx matters, we have had three reasonable nights in a row now, and she seems to be establishing a pattern, with night time wakings restricted to 3.30am and 6.30am only. This is remarkably impressive and has enabled us both to feel more or less human again. Here's hoping it continues!

Looking back, I have amazed myself with how long I managed to keep going last week. I had to stay overnight in hospital after the birth - mainly because they were concerned about me (having lost a lot of blood) rather than Miranda. That was really really harsh - I was utterly exhausted and had no idea what I was doing or how to handle a very new, hungry, tired, noisy baby, and they made Carl go home on his own! He really didn't want to go, but at least he got some sleep. I didn't. Miranda worked out how to get milk out of me very, very quickly, and most of that night was spent with her destroying the top few layers of skin on my nipples. She also ended up sleeping in the bed with me, which the midwives Disapproved Of - but it was the only way I could get her to shut up.

Jo and Graeme visited that evening, and Jo nearly cried when she saw a Real Actual Baby. (Best Jo-ism of the week: "Congrats - We knew you had it in you!") The next day my parents arrived, and Chris and Rachel with little Nini... and then I finally got to take her home. On Tuesday we took her round town to show her off and buy a few bits and test the car seat, and then on Wednesday the midwife visited and the parents left and the ferrets got a proper sniff at her... and all the while, she was waking about four times during the night and feeding on demand...

I honestly think I was running entirely on adrenaline and Happy Hormones for those few days. I was - and am still, completely in love with her and just ecstatic that she had finally arrived. And she's beautiful and healthy and utterly perfect and all I want to do all day is cuddle her! A total pregnancy high. Better still, these Happy Hormones stopped the Stitches in Unpleasant Places from hurting, and miraculously, gave me some energy.

Unsurprisingly, this did not last, and by Friday, I had completely crashed. I felt physically horrible, everything hurt again and I just felt completely wiped out. I also couldn't control my emotions at all, started crying at the slightest thing (sometimes just because I was so happy watching Miri, or if Carl was being particularly endearing - and then at ridiculous things like Hollyoaks!) I got snappy at Carl and then cried because I felt bad about being snappy. Mum and the midwives kept enquiring as to how I felt, in case I had an attack of the Baby Blues, or the first signs of postnatal depression. I doubt it. I don't think what I am experiencing is in any way unusual; it really is just a result of exhaustion and hormones. However frustrated and tearful I get, it is never aimed at Miranda, it is not remotely regretful. More, it is just anxiety over my abilities to look after her properly.

But it does pass, and most of the time I am still completely fascinated with her. I could watch her for hours! It is hard to believe "We Made This". She is certainly my biggest achievement, the one thing I am most proud of in my life so far. Every day she does something new (and all of it ridiculously cute) - you can almost feel her sucking in information. She obviously can't do much yet - eat, poop and sleep, really. However, when she is awake (which isn't that often, to be fair), she is constantly watching, listening intently even if we are just talking rubbish to her. When she sleeps, you can see her processing it all, she practices her facial expressions in her sleep, and you can see the little brain whirring to itself. I just find it all utterly incredible. We created a real Little Person!

Dad sent me a very sweet, and very apt song, which could almost be about Miri:

Carl, for his part is equally besotted, only in some respects, more excited than me. His joy is not restricted to waves of hormones, it is seemingly constant. Also, Miranda's presence is far more New to him; I have had 9 months of being aware of her growing inside me, so I have had far more forewarning and ample opportunity to get used to the idea and mentally prepare. Carl on the other hand, does not equate Bump with Baby in such a direct manner. He keeps repeating "We have a daughter!" like he is continually surprised by her presence. He is brilliant with her already, and the way he acts around her just makes me love them both even more. She does look quite like him which makes me even happier. Carl has mentioned the idea that he would like three kids - this was admittedly whilst curled up in bed with Adorably Beautiful tiny daughter snuggled between us. Let us just say that I did not react particularly positively. I love Miranda completely, but my reaction to Carl's request is quite clearly paralleled in this song....

Nevertheless, tired as I am, I am happier than I can ever remember being and Miranda and Carl are my whole world for the moment :-D