Coffee and Cheese

I'm not sure which blog this ought to go on!

We went to Sheffield yesterday, where my friends still firmly refer to Miranda as "the Cheese", or at least, Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeezey!!! For nine months I was thinking about nothing else except the Cheese, setting up this blog, writing letters addressed to Dear Tiny Cheese, even trying to scab freebies from the Babybel company. But now she is actually here, it is very very hard for me to think of her as anything but Miranda.

She is very much her own person now, determined to stand up, very alert and wanting to know exactly what is going on all the time. So determined was she to take as much in during our day out that she refused to sleep at all during the day, and got so tired she started going cross-eyed on the way home! She also has developed a liking of being upside down, hanging off my knee eyeballing the world, and drooling at everything (methinks there is a Tooth brewing in there and making her a bit uncomfy, poor baby.) Definitely my little Miranda, but not just a Baby-Bel any more.

We were in Sheffield to taste coffee. With the help of Simon at Pollards coffee company, I managed to get a unique blend of coffee together for our new coffee shop. I am going to call it Miranda's Blend. I would love to make it a Family Mission to take Miri to all the coffee-producing countries whose beans are included in the blend! I couldn't actually take her in to see it being roasted unfortunately, but she did get to stare at a lot of shiny espresso machines, shout at Simon when we dared to start talking to each other instead of giving her undivided attention, and I gave her some latte foam to try - I think she approved. That experience, along with riding on a train, a tram and in the back of Simon's car, and then being cooed over by Anna, Viv, Ol and Zara at uni made for a very exciting day for her! I was pretty exhausted too...

Coffee shop plans are slowly getting there. We found a new venue, and although very busy and frequently unwilling to answer his phone, the estate agent does at least return our calls, eventually. The unit is a good size, is in a great location, and is fairly affordable. There are several ready-made customer bases we can tap into, hopefully, including the local breastfeeding groups and mother-and-toddler groups, which I want to encourage so Miranda gets some company in there. We just have to negotiate the length of the lease. We should be in a strong position at the moment; the economy is such that there are very few others mad enough to try and start a business in Darlington at the moment, so we are not competing against anyone for the lease!

However, the agency's standard is a three or five year lease. For the same reasons I touched on in the last post, this is a very daunting prospect. That is an awfully long time to sign up for, especially from Miranda's point of view. She is going to change so, so much in three years that I don't feel capable of making decisions over that length of time. I especially don't want to be tied to Darlington by the time Miri reaches school-going age. Is it even practical to try and bring her up in a coffee shop? Will I end up neglecting her? Can I really juggle her, the cafe and the phd at the same time? aaaaaaaaaaargh. I just want her to grow up Happy.

I also have an uncomfortable feeling that if I carry on like this, she is going to turn out to be a tea-drinker. Bah.

With Auntie Tattoo-Jo in the unit we really really want!

And sporting a very sophisticated Peruvian (coffeeland!) poncho.

And so the world changes...

Little Miri is ten days old today!

I can't really tell if the time has gone quickly or slowly, it's all been a very surreal blur. I can't really imagine her not being here now. On the other hand, it is so scary that Carl has so little time left before going back to work. He took another two weeks of annual leave after his incredibly generous paternity leave of ten days, (!!!) but even so, I don't know how I am going to cope without him around.

Miranda is developing very quickly indeed, however. Without wishing to jinx matters, we have had three reasonable nights in a row now, and she seems to be establishing a pattern, with night time wakings restricted to 3.30am and 6.30am only. This is remarkably impressive and has enabled us both to feel more or less human again. Here's hoping it continues!

Looking back, I have amazed myself with how long I managed to keep going last week. I had to stay overnight in hospital after the birth - mainly because they were concerned about me (having lost a lot of blood) rather than Miranda. That was really really harsh - I was utterly exhausted and had no idea what I was doing or how to handle a very new, hungry, tired, noisy baby, and they made Carl go home on his own! He really didn't want to go, but at least he got some sleep. I didn't. Miranda worked out how to get milk out of me very, very quickly, and most of that night was spent with her destroying the top few layers of skin on my nipples. She also ended up sleeping in the bed with me, which the midwives Disapproved Of - but it was the only way I could get her to shut up.

Jo and Graeme visited that evening, and Jo nearly cried when she saw a Real Actual Baby. (Best Jo-ism of the week: "Congrats - We knew you had it in you!") The next day my parents arrived, and Chris and Rachel with little Nini... and then I finally got to take her home. On Tuesday we took her round town to show her off and buy a few bits and test the car seat, and then on Wednesday the midwife visited and the parents left and the ferrets got a proper sniff at her... and all the while, she was waking about four times during the night and feeding on demand...

I honestly think I was running entirely on adrenaline and Happy Hormones for those few days. I was - and am still, completely in love with her and just ecstatic that she had finally arrived. And she's beautiful and healthy and utterly perfect and all I want to do all day is cuddle her! A total pregnancy high. Better still, these Happy Hormones stopped the Stitches in Unpleasant Places from hurting, and miraculously, gave me some energy.

Unsurprisingly, this did not last, and by Friday, I had completely crashed. I felt physically horrible, everything hurt again and I just felt completely wiped out. I also couldn't control my emotions at all, started crying at the slightest thing (sometimes just because I was so happy watching Miri, or if Carl was being particularly endearing - and then at ridiculous things like Hollyoaks!) I got snappy at Carl and then cried because I felt bad about being snappy. Mum and the midwives kept enquiring as to how I felt, in case I had an attack of the Baby Blues, or the first signs of postnatal depression. I doubt it. I don't think what I am experiencing is in any way unusual; it really is just a result of exhaustion and hormones. However frustrated and tearful I get, it is never aimed at Miranda, it is not remotely regretful. More, it is just anxiety over my abilities to look after her properly.

But it does pass, and most of the time I am still completely fascinated with her. I could watch her for hours! It is hard to believe "We Made This". She is certainly my biggest achievement, the one thing I am most proud of in my life so far. Every day she does something new (and all of it ridiculously cute) - you can almost feel her sucking in information. She obviously can't do much yet - eat, poop and sleep, really. However, when she is awake (which isn't that often, to be fair), she is constantly watching, listening intently even if we are just talking rubbish to her. When she sleeps, you can see her processing it all, she practices her facial expressions in her sleep, and you can see the little brain whirring to itself. I just find it all utterly incredible. We created a real Little Person!

Dad sent me a very sweet, and very apt song, which could almost be about Miri:

Carl, for his part is equally besotted, only in some respects, more excited than me. His joy is not restricted to waves of hormones, it is seemingly constant. Also, Miranda's presence is far more New to him; I have had 9 months of being aware of her growing inside me, so I have had far more forewarning and ample opportunity to get used to the idea and mentally prepare. Carl on the other hand, does not equate Bump with Baby in such a direct manner. He keeps repeating "We have a daughter!" like he is continually surprised by her presence. He is brilliant with her already, and the way he acts around her just makes me love them both even more. She does look quite like him which makes me even happier. Carl has mentioned the idea that he would like three kids - this was admittedly whilst curled up in bed with Adorably Beautiful tiny daughter snuggled between us. Let us just say that I did not react particularly positively. I love Miranda completely, but my reaction to Carl's request is quite clearly paralleled in this song....

Nevertheless, tired as I am, I am happier than I can ever remember being and Miranda and Carl are my whole world for the moment :-D

Impatience driving me round the bend!

Little Cheese, where are you??

I got a voucher for money off my next purchase of Babybel cheeses through the post today. Possibly in exchange for all this free advertising I am giving the company! Little things...

Still no baby Cheese though. :-( Even my Nan phoned up last night to enquire as to the whereabouts of her latest great grandchild. Sigh. I excited the parents and a few friends on Saturday by honestly thinking my waters had broken and that it was all happening. Then I phoned labour ward, they told me I should have a lot more in the way of 'floods' rather than 'dribbles' and to stay home and wait to see if there were any more developments. And then, nothing else happened. This is extremely Not Fun.

Technically, 12 days to go. Please don't be any later than that, Cheeseling!

Could I blame my unborn child for driving test failure? Yesterday, at 38 weeks and 2 days pregnant, I took my driving test for the first time. I didn't dare tell the examiner how far along I am because I'm not sure he would have let me in the car!

I failed.

This is not unsurprising; I didn't really expect to pass. I wanted a go at the test before she arrived, just because I know it'll be a long time after she's born before I can think about things like driving lessons again. If I passed, fantastic. If I didn't, it is not the end of the world. I have other things to worry about at the moment. As it was, Cheese objected to wearing the seat belt and I had to drive whilst being booted. I was "over-hesitant" at times, accidently did 37mph in a 30 zone, and spectacularly lost 5th gear on the dual carriage way. Nothing really serious, dangerous or stupid, I didn't get any major faults, but just too many minor ones. I was actually pretty pleased with myself, considering! Never mind....

Instead, to relieve the boredom, I have been watching kids TV, to see what programs I will no doubt have to learn to endure for the next few years. I have found this utter GEM of a show, which I feel the need to share. Bring on the OOglies!!!

Contemplating the Moon

Now officially full term at 37.5 weeks (to quote the midwife: "We much prefer it if you get to 37 weeks, it makes the statistics so much tidier!"). No sign of Cheese. Unbelievably impatient, uncomfy and sleep deprived!

The Stars about the lovely moon
Fade back and vanish very soon
When, round and full, her silver face
Swims into sight, and lights all space.
(Sappho)

Of course, there is still margin for error here, but as far as we could tell, Tiny Cheese is a female Tiny Cheese. Typically, we had a boy's name sorted, and finding a girl's name that we both like has proved more than difficult!!

After months of debate, a list of suggested Cheese-names from my daft friends that we've tactfully ignored, (including, Brie, Gorgonzola, Mozzer-Ella, Roquefort, Monteray and Jack for twin boys, Smoked Bavarian - Ian for short, Philedelphia and even Quark!) employing different strategies to avoid using Baby Name Books (YUKYUKYUKYUK), convincing my Mother that "Persephone" was not a good idea (Carl: "Why does she want to call the baby Percy-Fone?") and even Facebook and online polls, we have eventually agreed on....

MIRANDA DIONE

Dione is pronounced Dye-Own, as in Dionysis, not Dee-On. Carl has always loved this name, but I was less keen. I think it works as a middle name though, and it's certainly unusual! Significantly, Dione is a moon of Saturn - female form of Io, and extremely volcanic apparently.

Miranda is also a moon, one of the 27 orbiting Uranus (no comments please!). This was Carl's first thought. I immediately thought of the Shakespeare play, The Tempest (one of my favourites), where 'Admired Miranda' is the daughter of Prospero the sourcerer, shipwrecked on the island. Turns out all of Uranus's moons were named after Shakespearean characters anyway. There is also Ophelia (a name I loved but which Carl thought would be shortened to Offal too easily!) Desdemona, Titania, Cordelia, Rosalind and so on, so plenty of ideas for potential sisters.... Carl likes his astronomy. I like my Shakespeare. All is happy.

Anyway, so darling Cheesey daughterling will effectively be named Moon-Moon. Well, why not? Everyone knows that moons are made of Cheese...


On a different but related topic, I also like my tattoos and piercings, and tend to get them to commemorate various significant events in my life. I have now run out of room and ideas for piercings, so I have started on tattoos. So far, I have a ferret on my leg in memorial to Hooligan, our first little fuzzy baby, and a coffee bean on my wrist in honour of my Nicaraguan adventures. The other wrist will get done when I *finally* finish the PhD. Anyway, there is nothing more significant and life-changing than having a baby, so a new tattoo is required. I hate name-tattoos, just because it can go wrong so easily. So, this is currently the design-in-progress:

Two moons, kinda, but Dione, or at least, Io, can also mean "purple rock" in Greek (hence, "vIOlet" too), so methinks a purple tattoo is very appropriate as it is my favourite colour too! Reflected (er.. Miranda = a view?) in stormy waters for The Tempest connection.... Very tentative links admittedly, but hey, it means something to me! :)   Just not sure where it is going to go yet.

Having (almost) made a decision on her name, I decided to have a play with "Mystic Google" to see what the future holds for our cheeseling. When I type in "Miranda will be", it told me this:

Miranda will be highlighting its ultra-resilient NVISION 8500 enterprise class routers....
Miranda will be transferred the General Archive of the Nation
Miranda will be in the building for this great event!
Miranda will be travelling to Montreal
Miranda will be reprising her role in the next Harry Potter film
Miranda will be performing for 8-year old Maddy Herzog who won the Quaker Chewy After School Rocks Club prize.
Miranda will be offering frame drum workshops in Marina Del Rey, California, in June.

and finally:
Miranda will be born in 3 months time! (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!)

False Alarms

It's all kicking off!!

Or maybe it isn't.

I don't know!!

This is maddening.
I was woken up at 4am (a recurring theme at the moment) yesterday by EXTREME PAIN. Everything ached, I could barely move but whichever way I lay, I couldn't get comfy. Not nice. More worryingly, even though I did finally get back to sleep, the pain was still there when I eventually heaved myself out of bed. My whole bump had gone tense and rock hard, and I also couldn't feel Little Cheese moving about much. Usually she starts moving about to say byebye to Dad when Carl heads off to work in the mornings. Altogether, I got Worried. I rang the midwife, and she said she couldn't do anything without seeing me, so I had to head off to hospital since there was no one else free down at the clinic. After an enormous wait, I got prodded about a bit, and then had a CTG - erm, cardiotocograph monitoring. Basically hooked up the Very Important Machine That Goes BING! that measures mine and the baby's heart beats. Cheese's heartbeat was good - strong and pretty steady at about 150bmp. All perfectly healthy.
Turns out, the pain and aches appear to be because Cheese has now "engaged" - her head was burying into the birth canal, which causes a lot of pressure on delicate bits. Tensing up is not uncommon either, especially since this is my first and I haven't really been stretched like this before! (and obviously I had such strong muscly abs to start with. Ahem.) Finally, and most reassuringly, it was only because I was so tense that I couldn't feel her moving.
This morning I felt a lot better, not so tense, but as soon as I got up I suddenly felt sick and had to go throw up in the loo. Lovely. I also got a 'show' - which is a.) disgusting b) not a good idea to explain on a public blog and c) has Scary Significance. The midwife told me to come back into hospital this morning for the same thing again - another CTG, so I toddled off, still aching but nothing like as bad as yesterday. Cheese was far more awake today, I could feel her moving, and her heart rate made a much more wiggly line this time. All fine, anyway. I am just being paranoid.
The fact that I had a show, however, is far more scary/exciting because it can imply that Cheese Is Imminent, especially when she's already engaged and I am aching. The hospital confirmed this, saying I should feel free to come back as soon as something dramatic happened. It could now be DAYS, not weeks away.  EEEEEEK!!! I don't know, I really don't. I was honestly assuming she'd be late. I'll be 37 weeks at the weekend, so it doesn't even count as premature now. I toddled off to see the Chapmen by the seaside this afternoon, despite hospital trip  and nothing remotely exciting happened. I am feeling better - which is good - but I am not feeling anything out of the ordinary now. She's having a lie-in!

In case she does make an early appearence, thanks to wonderfully talented friends and family, we finally have the Cheese Room finished and fully furnished. It's AWESOME!!

The Sheffield Tram-Cot designed and built by my DIY-ing Dad. We love it!

 The Tram Map Blanket as embroidered by Mum (Halfway to Meadowhell?)

The truly amazing quilt designed and handstitched by the fabulous Julie

Mum has also knitted a mini Vampire cape and outfit (including tiny Cowboy boots just like mine!) for Cheese's First Whitby Goth Weekend in October

Suddenly the whole room seems so much smaller!!

Now of course, I am even more impatient than ever!!! More soon - I hope!

Bump Contents

Here's some pics of our little one! Really wish we could have had more scans!

Cheese at 11 weeks, 3 days

Little Skeletor? 20 weeks and 1 day

It's a girl!

Two more, that maybe you don't want to see!!

Guess which one contains the baby, and which one contains a very large dinner?

The bump at 32 weeks - not actually that huge!

The "Cheese" is very active and healthy according to all my check ups, and despite my bump not being overly huge, she is a good size in there. She also seems to have Very Large Feet (takes after her mum) and boots me all night with great glee!

Pictures outside the womb due very soon indeed!!